Vital Signs of Fatherhood
We Are a Generation of Underfathered Fathers
You’re swimming against a current you didn’t create in a battle that’s not natural.
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Why does being a good dad feel so unnatural? Because you’re swimming against the current of your own history.
Many of us are underfathered fathers — some completely unfathered. The gravitational pull of your family patterns is toward passivity, spiritual lukewarmness, and disengagement. That’s what was nurtured in you. That’s what feels normal. So when you try to do better for your kids than what was done for you, it feels like fighting your own instincts.
This isn’t a tactical problem. It’s a spiritual battle. And the hard news is that following Jesus — the very thing that could help — often doesn’t feel natural either.
You read the Bible and don’t understand it. You try to pray and feel like you’re talking to yourself. So where do you go from here?
Respond
What patterns from your upbringing are you actively fighting against? Spiritual or otherwise?
Session 1
Why It's Harder Than It Should Be
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Session 2
A Generation of Underfathered Fathers
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Session 3
When Faith Feels Like a Fatherhood Failure
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Session 4
Dedicating The Time Dads Do Not Have
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Session 5
The Systematic Reset
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Session 6
From Surviving Fatherhood to Shaping a Legacy
Coming Soon
A sense of trying to control everything and everyone. Instead of empowering and championing my wife and children, I can tend to put them down or not make them feel heard and validated. I am aware of this, praying into it and want to change to be a more intentional and attentive father and husband.
Passivity and distance but also stress and anger. My default is to pick on my kids / wife and make them not feel good enough – I see this in my father now as a short fuse. I bring this to God but then get frustrated when I see it repeated in my life. Certainly feels like a lot of my efforts are upstream in most areas – spiritual, financial, physical, relational.
Disengagement is what I am actively fighting against. I never had any real conversations with my dad. He was always angry and would always take it out on us. Since he was angry all the time he would rather just not engage with us. He is not a believer but I thank the Lord that he saved me and all things are made knew in Christ.
I feel like I tend to lean towards passivity and just going through the motions especially when my battery is low. I imagine this is a default for me because that’s how remember seeing my Dad act after work. Need to actively fight this habit especially during the week when my battery is low or I’m not able to take care of my fitness.
Probably misappropriated priorities. My real dad was in prison for a majority of my childhood and my stepdad was very focused on work/news. Nowadays I read the Word (dont always understand but feel thats getting better), pray (but rarely feel a response) but I’m kinda disconnected from Fatherhood (newborn) because she doesn’t really seem to want me. We’ve navigated it by putting her on my chest when she’s already sleepy but yeah..
So I turn to video games to fill the time. I try to support my wife whenever and wherever I can. But yeah I suppose that distance kinda rubbed off on me
I am a first generation Christian. I came to know Christ before having kids and Christ transformed me. Spiritually passionate in love with Jesus and Jesus is a part of our family life. My father was passive and then angry. I see that pattern in my own life. Learning to be unoffendable and courageous has required me to learn my identity all over again. I am His beloved. My identity my inner strength, my courage to live boldly to lead boldly must come from who I am. That was not modeled to me. My father’s patterns still show up in different areas of my life.
My dad was a people pleaser which led to deeper sin (pathological lying, compromise, etc.) which impacted me and my family a lot and eventually led to my parents divorce when I was in HS. I am hyper aware of this as I know the damage it can cause, but I still see the tendency to be a people pleaser in me and fight against it. My dad’s issues led to intense and constant fighting between my parents. Living through that as a kid has caused me to avoid conflict at all costs in my adult life. I realize that conflict can be good and necessary (particularly in my marriage), and avoiding it and harboring my feelings is not a healthy approach. I know this is something I need to continue working on.
Anger is a major sin that has been passed down for generations in my family. Pride and self sufficiency are strong character traits in my family as well. I fight against these tendencies and see that my sons struggle with them as well. I would like to stop the cycle.
Passivity shows up for me in most areas. If I’m not really interested in something, it’s very easy to just not do it, even if I know it’s what I should be doing. My motivation comes and goes, but I’ve never been able to establish real discipline.
Anger. Lots of Anger. In his defense though now that I’m a Dad there’s no shortage of things that make me angry so I get it.
My wife and I are basically first generation Christians. I was brought up in the Catholic church, but my dad wasn’t really committed to anything about it. Most of the time it seemed like he was working or at the bar or sleeping it off. I mostly remember him being an angry man and that’s something I’ve tried hard not to be.
My dad was really fun and took us to church, so he did something, but I didn’t see the Lord as master of his daily life. I want to serve the Lord as my master every day, so my kids can see that being lived out and know what it looks like. Like some of the other comments, I also struggle with the authority/friend dynamic, but I am even more anxious about being a good spiritual leader for my kids, to give them a firm anchor in Jesus as they grow up and eventually leave.
My dad is phenomenal, he is a man I would love to be. But we didn’t talk about things that I would struggle with mental health, lust, etc really until after I had struggled with some of the things. I think the introduction of internet was something he wasn’t ready to teach. So, having that intentionality to have the tough conversations ahead of time so the world doesn’t educate my kids, I do.
Man. This is exactly what I was going to post. My experience exactly.
I am fighting to figure out how to achieve a healthy balance between being father and friend. I want to foster a relationship with my kids so that they will not only feel that they can but will want to confide in me. At the same time, I feel that a father should be respected and wish to parent/discipline them in a constructive way.
I was fathered via a fear-based approach, which resulted in much respect but also in the absence of any personal relationship as an adult. Doing my best to swing the pendulum back into the middle without the use of fear.
As a young boy there was so much anger inside the home. The feelings of being a burden was constant. This spread discontentment throughout, and to this day has ongoing consequences inside my family. I’m trying to cultivate a home where it’s never questioned whether love is present. Love in abundance and enough for everyone.
Growing up and all through high school and college, my dad was mostly focused on his own work and making a name for himself in the advertising world (Mad Men was hard to watch). I think the pattern that I fight against the most is the lack of teaching, guidance, and relationship that I became used to with my dad. I wasn’t raised in a Christian home, so it’s a distinct upgrade to raise our daughters in the church and a Christian school, but I can take on my dad’s pursuit of ease when it comes to parenting and I long to move above and beyond it.
I probably also fight against a lot of feelings of rejection. I felt misunderstood by my dad (who would often say, “I just don’t get you.”), but also that he wasn’t interested enough to understand. My confidence is often weak when engaging my girls to teach/lead them because I still fear that same rejection, but from them. And I can default to just being the sweet, safe dad whom everyone loves to be around. And I know that I’m made to be much more than that.
I am fighting against authoritarian parenting and never feeling like my father enjoyed me. I don’t have found memories, just negativity around his lack of joy for my personality.
I want to have a relationship with my kids, nota dictatorship until they are 18.
When I was a kid I felt like my dad wasn’t particularly interested in me unless it was related to stuff he was interested in. I think as a result I have felt disconnected from the Lord unless I pursue him like I see other people pursue him… and if I don’t do that well, I am far from him. It’s tough.