Vital Signs of Fatherhood
Why It's Harder Than It Should Be
The problem isn’t what you’re doing. It’s what you’re running on.
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Nobody wakes up deciding to be a bad dad. You have a vision for the father you want to be — calm, present, intentional—but you keep falling short. So you search for tactics. Strategies. Life hacks. And they work for a few days… then you run out of steam. The problem isn’t your playbook. It’s your capacity. Your spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial battery is smaller than you want it to be. And no hack fixes that.
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Where do you see the biggest gap between the dad you want to be and the dad you are?
Session 1
Why It's Harder Than It Should Be
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Session 2
A Generation of Underfathered Fathers
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Session 3
When Faith Feels Like a Fatherhood Failure
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Session 4
Dedicating The Time Dads Do Not Have
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Session 5
The Systematic Reset
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Session 6
From Surviving Fatherhood to Shaping a Legacy
Coming Soon
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I have all the intentions of being a present, attentive, fun, future-thinking father, but I get things wrong so often. My anger and short fuse comes out in yelling and my words, I am trying to stop this. When I’m tired or feeling lonely or unappreciated, this is when it comes out.
Patience and energy when I’ve run out of steam. This feeds into the atmosphere I set around my home for my wife & kids and means we don’t do the things we want (family devotions, playing with kids, giving my wife quality time & building wider community).
Implementation. I have many ideas of special/intentional things to do, but struggle to consistently get them implemented in a way that lasts.
Being unoffendable. With my oldest son (27) he was always connected and respectful, I have a great relationship with him. We added twin boys to our family and they push my buttons. Recently I am realizing it is me feeling disrespected. I must allow my identity to rule over that.
As a parent to adult men 24 and 26 years old, I’m not clear how to strategically and prayerfully continue to support and encourage them to walk with the Lord. I look back and feel like I put too much time and effort into their academic and athletic success and wish I would’ve put more into their spiritual journey. I also struggle physically with a medical condition and I’m not a great example as a provider for the family. I also spend too much time on social media. I need to spend more time in the Word and serving.
I am always fighting against complacency. I want to be intentional with my 4 boys and disciple them well, but I struggle with building habits/rhythms to do this. My fear is that I’ll continue thinking “I’ll start doing that soon” and then I’ll blink and my boys will be teenagers. I don’t want to miss the opportunity to intentionally disciple my boys in these crucial years because I’m complacent and distracted by unimportant things like my phone. I want to be the leading voice that teaches my boys about God, the Bible, money, sex, etc. Our culture and algorithms are consistently pushing the opposite of a biblical worldview and I want/must fight against that. I just really struggle with putting this desire into action and establishing habits/rhythms to do this with my boys.
2 things:
1) I’m too passive as a dad. My wife initiates discipline and instruction with my kids. The Lord disciplines/trains those He loves. I love my kids but need to love them more in this way.
2) I’m 41 and suffer from chronic pain in my chest. It was painful to even lift my kid out of his crib when he was younger. Throwing a baseball with my son is painful. I’m seeing doctors and doing what I can to make the pain more manageable. I have to find other ways to interact with my kids outside of sports which we both really enjoy.
Most importantly for me it’s focus. I want to be using my time in the most profitable way. It’s easy to get sidetracked. Lord give me grace to keep my priorities in line.
At least one area I need to grow in is time management- I need to take care of my responsibilities so that I can use my evenings and weekends to invest in my family.
Courage! Courage to do the right thing, the hard thing or speak up. Too often I feel the conviction of knowing what I should do but fail to do so, either as a result of fear, not wanting to rock the boat or make life harder when I just want to keep the peace and keep my kid from big emotions.
Prioritization was one of my biggest shortfalls and as a father of older children (young men) I need to figure how to correct them but also how to help them not make the same mistakes.
The area where I feel the gap is forward thinking and leading out activities for both my family, (a 2 year old daughter) and set apart time for my wife and I to connect. I struggle to be present in my mind, and as I struggle to be present I of course then struggle to think ahead and provide vision for where I want to lead my family.
The biggest gap I see is giving wisdom to my boys in the moment. I have two sons, and I want to guide them and help them make good choices, but sometimes I miss those chances. I’m trying to slow down and be more intentional about speaking into their lives.
As a new dad (3 month old) I’ve really learned in this new stretch of life that I dip my toes in a lot of different things, and don’t necessarily invest the appropriate amount of time into what’s important. I tend to pride myself as a fairly structured person, but when I step back and look at how my time is spent, I tend to bounce around from thing to thing. I’m fearful that will extend into my parenting as our daughter grows and we have more children. Also, how do I reconcile accomplishing personal goals and objectives with prioritizing time with my wife and daughter – this is something else I’m spending a lot of time thinking about.
You’re not alone friend!
The personal goals and objectives opposite wife and kids… I feel this a lot. I have had kids since 2012 and I still have this conversation with myself regularly.
Dave – how does your wife support you in this? Is she an encouragement? Thankfully, my wife is an encourager, but is willing to speak up when needed to keep me grounded.
Patients when I ask for help and it isn’t done as fast or as accurate as I would prefer. Is this a learning situation or do I have other motives. I would say some of the things that I feel are dumb but need to get done I rush everyone and have a hard time releasing control. Would really like to find the middle ground to be more intentional and a better teacher.
Divorced dad for 10 years now. I am getting the feeling that I’m losing my son, but I wonder if this is just a natural progression or a part of being divorced or a combination of those things. He’s 14 now and I’ve done everything to remain as present in his life as I am allowed to be.
Distraction is a constant battle for me, especially when I am needing to focus my attention on something that may not fully interest me or that I relate too. (playing toys, talking about Minecraft, Harry Potter, dinosaurs ect.)
Being present and focused in the moment while I’m with my kids is a big gap area for me. I can clearly see the immediate impact I have on my Sons during times when I am truly focused on being with them and want to do it more.
This resonates with me. I work in consulting and work from home several days per week. The transition from work to dad/husband life happens with a walk up the stairs. 8-9 hours of my day are connected to a laptop/phone and it’s hard to turn that muscle memory off when I should be more present.
I work from home, too, albeit, I am the business owner. I have felt that same lack of transition impacting my attention (when the computer is 5 steps away).
I feel like a lot of the areas in my life “work specifically” has taken joy and energy out of me like a leech. But a lot of areas are pretty draining and needing me to be emotionally available. The dad I want to be is present and available and able to serve with joy. My little girl just lights me up with joy but I still feel like I am giving her less of me than she deserves.
Things are going swimmingly but then I drop the ball being helpful or thoughtful toward my wife. She feels unseen, we fight, we make up. This is our monthly sometimes bimonthly cycle. I want to be better but I just do not know how anymore. Separately, I have less patience with my son (2 yrs. old) than O have with my two girls, and I am terrified I will give him the emotional distance my dad gave me.
I’m just tired and constantly disappointed in my behavior and theirs. I want to be less disappointed but our collective constant failure doesn’t inspire confidence and the same thing repeats itself over and over in a seemingly neverending cycle
I feel the tendency to be undisciplined when my kid (3mo old) is in bed and my wife is at work (she’s a night time PA), as if I deserve to “relax” (rather than serving my wife with extra chores around the house, etc.).
Patience, wisdom, and security in both myself and who my children are becoming. Patience in the day to day, wisdom in decisions, and security in the uniqueness of both my abilities and each of my children.
I recognize that my ability to connect in a more meaningful way and develop a deeper connection with my kids is lacking. I generally have the patience and energy to spend time with them, but I don’t engage with them thoughtfully and intentionally. I just sort of hang out and have fun. I long to lead them spiritually and be intentional about their growth, but I rarely put in the work and my own personal growth feels like it hasn’t translated to my interactions with them in a measurable way yet.
I want to be a much stronger Christian leader of my home. I am often deferring on decisions and leadership so as to keep the peace, but I want to grow into a better role model of a plugged-in dad as I can be.
My time and energy. A lot of this is directly correlated to poor exercise and diet. That lack of energy and motivation leads me to lazy and apathetic at times.
Same for me, Michael. I really resonate with the poor diet part. I diligently walk a couple miles most days, but I need more of a routine that keeps my body loose. Thanks for saying something. That is comforting to me.
One of my biggest gaps in fatherhood is overloading my plate. I’m trying to grow in my career, be present as a husband and father, nurture my spiritual life, and take care of my physical health. When it all piles up, I feel overwhelmed and start neglecting each area.
My biggest gap is being emotionally present. I get overwhelmed at times managing being a husband, father, employee, and managing the finances in our home as a single income. It’s hard for me to be present when I have all these other worries going on life. I am physically present but my mind is fixed on other things going on around me. It can even lead me to shutdown where I dont want to deal with anything in the moment.
I’m ashamed to say that it’s selfishness and seeking ease. I have closeness with our girls and affection with them (lots of I love yous, caring moments, attending to them and directing them). But the spiritual substantive discipleship is lacking, and the instances of it are not where I think they should be. They trust me; they enjoy being with me. I know that. But I long to teach them and direct them in godliness (outside of my modeling). That’s the harder part, and I’m often seeking what’s “easiest.”
I often trend toward passivity. If I am not focused and paying attention, I’ll easily end up back in “passive mode”. I want to be intentional and action oriented.
Following through with intentional, formal spiritual growth activities with the kids if it takes more than a week. The informal spiritual leadership is strong, but I want moments of intentional reading, prayer, or other spiritual activities with them and want to stick it out.
I would say impatience. I am impatient with the fact that I have expectations that aren’t met. Wanting things or stuff done sooner. I want to be able to have patience with my family and not angst. They view it as being angry and I want to not be. I want to be able to have fun and give and get respect in my home. I only have a short time with my boys in my home they are 15 & 16 and want to be the example they need to go out into the world and be disciples in Christ. I feel that with a community it will be better to have accountability and come together to show me the way.
Connection. We have 2 26 yos out of state and a 17 yo at home-all in Christ but not in close communication. Besides teen at home it’s hard to know how best to engage them aside from helping them navigate their current questions. Working on how to connect best proactively rather than responding to crisis only. Sending daily texts of encouragement. Keeping our marriage strong. Staying fit. Staying in scripture. Group of guys meeting regularly
My ability to be fully present and immersed during the time I spend with my kids. I know and understand that the time I spend with them is invaluable to their development and to our relationship. And I do my best to play with them as often as possible. But whether it be physical activities, imaginary play, etc. I find my ability to be fully dialed in wanes more quickly than they or even I want. Sometimes I lack the genuine interest in the activity we are doing together which makes it harder to be fully engaged. Other times I just want to turn my focus to my own interests, work or to just rest/relax.
I think I’ll like what most people said, but it’s being more present but around the family. I have goals do more physical things to work out more but I know it’s easier to sit on the couch by then work out at night or something like that.
I think what gets in the way is just lack of motivation to do the hard thing. It’s easy to get a pick me up off a random video that says go do hard stuff buy when push comes to shove being consistent as tough. For me it’s being consistent and following a program would be the most helpful in my life. That program is not just physical workout. That program is checking in with friends and being an intentional, husband and father as well.
I want to grow in self-discipline and self care so that I can show up better for my family. I also want to grow in creating rituals and systems for my family and being more consistent in enforcing our standards, discipline, and be more intentional and consistent with guiding and instructing my children.
Burning the candle on both ends and the middle. I’m just tired. It’s been a super busy season and fortunately some of it is coming to an end. I’m in an accelerated Paramedic school, sole provider and we just had our baby (december) we finish this week and graduate next week. But it’s taken a serious toll on me and my wife. She misses me, and although she “knows” why I have to be gone or go study or I’m exhausted, I see the longing in her voice and eyes.
I want to be more present, less exhausted, leading our house with strong Christian confidence. This exhaustion has yanked my priorities around, I lack consistency working out, being in the Word, eating healthy (and that’s just the impact on me*). I look forward to a bit more time, and the FMLA leave after I test to be with family. But I didn’t really have a great model of a dad to show me what Fatherhood is/means/looks like.
My physical strength. I have such a difficult time keeping up with my boys and a lot of it has to do with my nutrition and physical fitness. I am wiped at the end of the day and have very little left to give. It turns into a short fuse.